Joke Thread

[Ginger Ninja]

Just got back from the world blindfolded w.anking championships. No idea where I came.....

[pc1401]

The wife was getting something out the freezer yesterday so I crept up behind her and slid in. She absolutely loved it but we are now banned from Tesco's

[brightonr]

The wife asked if her new dress made her look fat.

"Of course not" I replied. "It's your fat that makes you look fat. The dress makes you look like a slapper".

[stan_bowles]

I was driving down the road the other day and passed an RAC van.The driver was crying his eyes out with his head in his hands.

I thought to myself 'He's heading for a breakdown'.

[LoftusRoadLad]

A #### walked into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder..."Wow where did you get him from" said the barman "theres Fooken millions of em out there" said the parrot

[hemelhoop]

A cowboy,red indian and a #### all sitting round the camp fire. The red indian says "year's ago we were many now we are few". The #### say's "years ago we were few now we are many". The cowboy takes a big drag on his ciggarette and say's "thats because we haven't played cowboys and ####'s yet".

[Hertford Hoop]

A cowboy,red indian and a #### all sitting round the camp fire. The red indian says "year's ago we were many now we are few". The #### say's "years ago we were few now we are many". The cowboy takes a big drag on his ciggarette and say's "thats because we haven't played cowboys and ####'s yet".

[hemelhoop]

Boy lost his job in the chip shop.His dad goes to find out why. Owner say's "I found him with a potato peeler up his ####". His dad say's "may I see the potato peeler?" The owner replied "No I sacked him aswell".

[casuallyqpr]

Celtic have announced their new sponser for the 2011/12 season.
Unibond ... no more nails

[acricketer]

A man with a drink problem is told one day by his wife.."If you come home drunk one more time, I'm leaving you"

The next night he's at the pub and drinks so much he throws up on himself. "Oh no!" he says to his friend. "My wife said she would leave me if I come home drunk again."

His friend says "Don't worry, just tell her someone threw up on you; and put £20 in your jacket pocket to show her for the dry cleaning"

So he gets home and his wife is waiting. "You're drunk again!"

"No,no! A fella threw up on me and gave me £20 to cover the dry cleaning!"

"Then why are you showing me two £20 notes?"


















"Ah! The other one is from the gentleman who shat in my pants!"

[acricketer]

It's a middle aged housewife's birthday and she asks her wealthy husband for some cosmetic surgery to 'tidy up' her ladies area.
Upon waking up from the surgery she notices 3 red roses at the bottom of the bed.
"Excuse me nurse, who are those 3 roses from?"
"Well" says the nurse "The first one is from your husband. He's delighted the surgery was a success and can't wait till your healed to try it out."
"Thats so lovely" says the woman "What about the second rose?
"Thats from the surgeon. He was so impressed with the job he's done that he would like to have a shot when your fully healed."
"Well I suppose thats only fair" says the woman "Whose the third rose from?"
"Oh thats from Colin."
"Who the **** is Colin?"
"Colin is from the Burns Unit, he wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

[waterbuffalo]

"Why do they call it PMS?"
--I don't know, why do they call it PMS?
"Because Mad Cow was already taken"

[waterbuffalo]

A cowboy,red indian and a #### all sitting round the camp fire. The red indian says "year's ago we were many now we are few". The #### say's "years ago we were few now we are many". The cowboy takes a big drag on his ciggarette and say's "thats because we haven't played cowboys and ####'s yet".

that's a good one!
I say this as a Pakistan supporter from 81

[hemelhoop]

A man walks into a pub in Wales and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him. "Where are you from? you sound English".
"I'm from just across the Severn" replies the man nervously.
"What do you do just across the Severn".
"I'm a taxidermist"
"What on earth is one of those?.
"I mount animals".
"It's alright boy's", shout's the barman "He's one of us".

[PedalR]

"Why do they call it PMS?"
--I don't know, why do they call it PMS?
"Because Mad Cow was already taken"

A variation...

What's difference between BSE and PMS?

One's mad cow disease and the other's an agricultural problem.