Joke Thread

[vblockranger]

Having read 50 Shades of Grey a Welsh guy persuades his girfriend to try anal sex for the first time. He says "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word twice & I'll stop." She says "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch

[vblockranger]

A nurse walks into an old man's hospital room to give him a sponge bath on his chest, head and arms. The old man says through his oxygen mask to the nurse, "Nurse, will you please see if my testicles are black?" The nurse is surprised and replies, "Sir, I'm sorry, but I'm just here to wash you up a little bit." The old man says through his oxygen mask, "I know, but PLEASE can you see if my testicles are black?" The nurse looks around and replies, "OK, but just this once.." She then proceeds to pull down his pants, grabs his testicles and starts softly examining them carefully. She then pulls his pants back up and tells him everything is fine. The old man removes his oxygen mask and says, "Thank you so very very much...Now can you please see if my test results are back?!"

[MattyRangers]

Great morning read this, had me in stitches... Love that clip n all Deepcut

[MattyRangers]

I thought I'd buy my wife a vibrator to try and spice up our sex life.

"Can I help you?" said the Ann Summers assistant.

"I'm after a vibrator for my wife, I replied, "but I didn't realise they came in so many sizes and different colours"

"Yes they do." She said, "but then again they all do the same job."

"Okay then, I'll take that tartan one over there"

"That's not for sale sir."

"Why not?"

"Because it's my flask."

[QPRDave]

The local mayoress was being shown around the new hospital in her town by a doctor. She asks if she can see in a room and they knock quietly and enter to find a nurse furiously w*nking a patient off .....shocked the mayoress quickly backs out of the room and asks what the hell is going on? ...Ah says the doctor it's a sad case, the gentleman has a chronic condition where his b*lls fill up with semen so fast he needs help to empty them. The mayoress looks at the doctor suspiciously but accepts the explanation and continues the tour.
After going a little further they pass a room with the door wide open and a man sitting on the bed getting a B**wjob from a nurse.....Horrified she spins around and demands to know from whats going on.....The doctor replies its the same condition madam.........only he's with Bupa!

[MattyRangers]

Red roses - check!
Barry White album - check!
Scented candles - check!

Tonight, that saucy little minx of a w@nk sock won't know what's hit it.

[NW_Hoopz]

Red roses - check!
Barry White album - check!
Scented candles - check!

Tonight, that saucy little minx of a w@nk sock won't know what's hit it.

Matty Matty Matty ........ Some men secrets are not for sharing ;-}


PS are you still using the 'family guy' one that was in the last 6 photos ya sent me ?

[MattyRangers]

Matty Matty Matty ........ Some men secrets are not for sharing ;-}


PS are you still using the 'family guy' one that was in the last 6 photos ya sent me ?

Sorry mate I just get a tad carried away sometimes.

And nope I dropped that one on me wooden floor on Sunday and it shattered. Using a "World's Best Dad" pair now - hope he don't find out or he'll have the right hump.

[twranger]

Red roses - check!
Barry White album - check!
Scented candles - check!

Tonight, that saucy little minx of a w@nk sock won't know what's hit it.

You not got a lady in your life Matty?
Thought they'd be forming an orderly queue!......Seriously!............the ladies love a bloke with a GSH!

[vblockranger]

You not got a lady in your life Matty?
Thought they'd be forming an orderly queue!......Seriously!............the ladies love a bloke with a GSH!

GSH? Giant Size Horsecock?

[MattyRangers]

You not got a lady in your life Matty?
Thought they'd be forming an orderly queue!......Seriously!............the ladies love a bloke with a GSH!

Yea I have got a lucky lady mate, unfortunatley she's Chelski though. Trying hard to turn her to the hooped side of West London but she's having none of it :strive:

GSH? Giant Size Horsecock?

If that's what it meant I cana ssure you I don't have one of those :pleasantsuprise:

[SpankwiR]

Yea I have got a lucky lady mate, unfortunatley she's Chelski though. Trying hard to turn her to the hooped side of West London but she's having none of it :strive:



If that's what it meant I cana ssure you I don't have one of those :pleasantsuprise:

You want to take a leaf out of the old Pistorius 'how to treat your girlfriend guide book' if she follows them khunts Matty.

[twranger]

Yea I have got a lucky lady mate, unfortunatley she's Chelski though. Trying hard to turn her to the hooped side of West London but she's having none of it :strive:

Presumably thats why the sock cums in handy.....? Is that it?

[QPRDave]

The Catholic Church has finally agreed on the new format for voting in the new head of their church. Next Sat night, Simon Cowell will hosp Pope Idol

[QPRDave]

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."