Joke Thread

[BigDanShittu]

Heard my fruit bowl stuttering

Must've been the Kings Peach

[Mellowhoop]

Driving through Birmingham the other day and i saw a sign post saying muslim bungee jumps..




2 for the price of 1





No strings attacthed

[winalotto]

Joke.......

What do Lionel Messi and Imogen Thomas have in common??
There both f***ing good footballers!

[Connell10]

Heard my fruit bowl stuttering

Must've been the Kings Peach

like that one!!!!!:drunk::drunk::drunk:

[twranger]

I suffer from a complaint called CDO - its the same as OCD, but in alphabetical order.

[winalotto]

What sort of monkeys run through minefields??

BaBOOMS !!

[Quaz]

How do you know you have a high sperm count.............the missus chews before swallowing.

[SammyKojoe]

just herd on the news that terrorists have hidden bombs in hundreds of tins of alphabetti spaghetti. If they go off, they could spell disaster...

[SammyKojoe]

Iv got the job of playing the triangle in a reggae band..........................n ting

[Hoops]

Police in the Seychelles have recovered the arm of shark attack victim Ian Redmond.

It was identified by a tattoo which read "Arsenal for the league 2011/12". In a statement police said not even a shark would swallow that.

[Hoops]

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.

[Hoops]

Cliff Richard meets a fan from China.

'I ruv you cliff! I ruv song called 'itchy Sore f.anny'.

'I didnt sing a song called that!' says Cliff.

The Fan says ' yes you did..it went Itchy Sore f.anny how we dont talk anymore'

[Hoops]

Paddy went to the doctors complaining of a bad back.

The doc asks how he did it. 'Having sex doggy fashion' says Paddy.

'Why don't you try the normal position?'

'I have' said paddy 'but the dog keeps licking my face!

[iheartwegerle]

An oldie, but one of my favourites...

A bloke in a pub sees the pub dog lying by the fire licking it's b0ll0x. He turns to the landlord and says "I wish I could do that", to which the landlord replies, "well give him a biscuit and he might let you".

[IsleworthRanger]

Monday joke

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds couple in bed.


He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.



While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.



While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!

He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain ... just do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.


This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"



His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,

and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too."