Joke Thread

[dsqpr]

LeRoys' last support payment:

Today is my baby girl's 18th birthday.

I be so glad that this be my last child support payment!

Month after month, year after year, all those payments!

So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house and when she get there, I say: "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be getting from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face."

So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face.

Baby girl came back and walk through the door, I say: "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"

She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" ...and watch the 'spression on yo face.

[Stanley]

[MattyRangers]

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

[Stanley]

[Harryboy]

That's a quality stan

[Stanley]

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

[12321]

What's the difference between a hurricane and a woman?


No difference, they're both noisy when they're coming, and when they're gone, so is the house and car...

[Shepherds Mush]

My missus asked me when was the last time I had sex with someone other than her.

I told her back in 02

Sounds much better than February

[Stanley]

Was watching Woody Allen's 'Deconstructing Harry' tonight and these two scenes totally cracked me up:

Woody Allen's orthodox Jewish sister: I hate that you caricatured my religious dedication in your book. Because it always enraged you that I returned to my roots.
Harry Block (played by Woody Allen): What roots? You were a wonderful sweet kid. You got me through my childhood, and then you go away to Fort Lauderdale to meet this fanatic, this zealot, and he fills you full of superstition.
Sister: It's tradition!
Harry: Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
Sister: You have no values. Your whole life it's nihilism, its cynicism, its sarcasm and orgasm!
Harry: You know in France I could run on that slogan and win.

================================================== =

Cookie (prostitute): So you want me to tie you up?
Harry: Yeah, tie me up. I'd like you to hit me a little bit and give me a blow-job.
Cookie: A blow-job, then hit you.
Harry: No. Hit me and then the blow-job. I want to get the order right, otherwise its no fun. Tie me up, hit me, give me a blow-job.
Cookie: And what do you want me to tie you with?
Harry: Well the truth is I thought you'd be wearing stockings.

One hour later...

Harry: Cookie, you're a definite artist. They should put your lips in the Smithsonian.
Cookie: It took you a long time, then I never thought you'd make it.
Harry: Well I was a having a little problem focusing for a while. I was trying to get the right fantasy - I thought of a woman I saw on 6th avenue today, and I coupled her with Svetlana Stalin, the daughter of the dictator. It worked for me.

[Itsonlyagame]

What's a woman and Kentucky fried chicken got in common.
Once your finished with the leg and breast all you have left is a greasy old bucket to put your bone in

[elias47]

WIFE: You lied to me! You never told me that you have a mistress who is 18 years old.

HUSBAND: Oh honey, you're wrong. She's already 23 years old now.

WIFE: Oh, ok.

[pc1401]

Just got a text message from the wife telling me she is in casualty When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it and never saw her once. Hope she come home soon I'm starving

[pc1401]

Saw an absolutely stunning woman in the pub last night and said to my mate I would love to bonk her brains out. I went over to talk to her and it turned out some b'stard had beat me to it

[Itsonlyagame]

I've just spent a week in hospital.
I went to see a fortune teller and she said I had a lot of money coming my way. Once she'd finished I stepped outside and was hit by a G4s security van.

[Itsonlyagame]

Joke of the day

Think we had a best joke thread on here a while ago but I couldn't find it.
Surely worth re-booting as a joke of the day thread ?
I'll start :
I wasn't very close to my Dad before he died, which was lucky given he stood on a land mine.

That was nicked from this years Edinburgh fringe but isn't every joke pinched from someone ?
Hopefully others out there can add a gut buster or two, in the meantime I'll try and add a joke a day.