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Thread: Joke Thread

  1. #226

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    A German goes to a brothel and asks one of the girls if he can pay her double to oblige his fetish. Nervously she agrees as she could really do with the extra cash.
    Out of his bag he pulls a pair of springs and asked her to put one in each palm. He then pulls out another pair and asks her to put one on each knee. He then tells her to get on her hands and knees and proceeds to ride her rotten doggy style.
    After 5 minutes of her bouncing up and down like a space hopper he tells her to start quacking.
    20 minutes later she's exhausted but has a beaming smile on her face.
    "I have to say Herman, that was the most amazing sex I've ever had, not what I expected at all ! "
    "Why thank you" he says "it's my 4 sprung duck technique "
    He'll regret it till his dying day, if ever he lives that long

  2. Default

    A German is on a camping trip and pulls a Swedish bird. They get it going in the Camper, and she starts panting: "Ah. Ah. Snälla. Snälla." Frustrated he replies: "Aber Ich kann doch nicht schneller."

  3. #228

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    A man went to the doctor and said "doc, I can't stop eating watches"
    The doctor said "wow, that must be time consuming"
    He'll regret it till his dying day, if ever he lives that long

  4. #229

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    Woman says to her husband "that's it, I've finally had enough of your sarcastic comments about my weight, I'm leaving you"
    Husband replies "but darling, what about our child"
    "What child" she screams.
    "Eh, you're not pregnant then"
    He'll regret it till his dying day, if ever he lives that long

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    Two psychologist meet for lunch at work, and one says to the other:
    "So how was your weekend?"
    "Not the best. I made a terrible freudian slip."
    "Don´t worry it happens all the time to me. What did you say then?"
    "Well I was having dinner with the wife, and I meant to say: Could you pass the salt, please? Instead I said: You farked up my life you farking c@nt"

  6. #231

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    Bloke goes to the doctors and says "doc, I keep imagining I'm being set upon by a group of South Americans"
    Doctor says "you must be suffering from Hispanic attacks"
    He'll regret it till his dying day, if ever he lives that long

  7. #232

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    a geezer has been running round east london . he sneaks up behind people and pulls their pants up to their waist .... police are looking for wedgie kray

  8. #233

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    Tonites ref

  9. #234

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    Couple from the late great Tommy Cooper.

    The police arrested two people last night for drinking battery acid and eating fireworks.
    They charged one and let the other off.

    Man says to his doctor "Doc, I've hurt my arm in several places"
    Doctor says "stop going to those places then"
    He'll regret it till his dying day, if ever he lives that long

  10. #235

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    One of my all time faves.

    A bloke goes into a dentists - it's late - he's the last patient of the day.

    What can I do for you, the dentist asks, once the bloke's lain back in the chair.

    Well, it's like this, the bloke says, I keep thinking I'm a moth.

    The dentist looks at him, confused, and says, look, I think you need a psychiatrist, I'm a dentist mate, you've come to the wrong place.

    I know, says the bloke, but your light was on.

  11. #236

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    Originally Posted by Hubble
    One of my all time faves.

    A bloke goes into a dentists - it's late - he's the last patient of the day.

    What can I do for you, the dentist asks, once the bloke's lain back in the chair.

    Well, it's like this, the bloke says, I keep thinking I'm a moth.

    The dentist looks at him, confused, and says, look, I think you need a psychiatrist, I'm a dentist mate, you've come to the wrong place.

    I know, says the bloke, but your light was on.
    Haha, that's a good one Hubs, like it.
    I've actually started trawling the net looking for jokes the last day or two to keep the thread going.
    There really are some cracking gags out there.
    Having said that my wife and kids want to kill me now as I spent most of last Sunday following them around saying "knock knock"
    He'll regret it till his dying day, if ever he lives that long

  12. #237

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    3 brothers in ireland driving home from the pub one night
    they turn a corner and see a pig in the road ," quick" says the driver to his brothers " grab that pig we'll have him for our farm"
    a mile or so on they come across a police road block , "stick yer hat and coat on the pig" says the driver
    a copper gets out strolls over to the lads motor and shines his torch into the car
    " whats your name "he asks the driver,"
    where u been and where are u going now "
    he replies...... michael murphy sir been playing darts with me brothers in the kings head , only been on soft drinks and on me way home to me mothers
    he shines the torch at the fella sitting next to micheal he replies his name is joseph and he's been pub now off home to his mothers
    the copper then leans in a bit and shines the torch at the 1st passenger in the back , "i'm eamon murphy sir had a few off home to mums with me brothers" lastly he shines the torch at the pig and asks it it's name the pig goes " OINK " , right on your way says the copper and they drive off.
    the copper walks back to his squad car shaking his head , HIS partner asks him whats up .... he replies " my god he's an awful looking pig that oink murphy
    Last edited by 72bus; 14-09-2017 at 01:19 AM.

  13. #238

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    [QUOTE=72bus;1645515]3 brothers in ireland driving home from the pub one night
    they turn a corner and see a pig in the road ," quick" says the driver to his brothers " grab that pig we'll have him for our farm"
    a mile or so on they come across a police road block , "stick yer hat and coat on the pig" says the driver
    a copper gets out strolls over to the lads motor and shines his torch into the car
    " whats your name "he asks the driver,"
    where u been and where are u going now "
    he replies...... michael murphy sir been playing darts with me brothers in the kings head , only been on soft drinks and on me way home to me mothers
    he shines the torch at the fella sitting next to micheal he replies his name is joseph and he's been pub now off home to his mothers
    the copper then leans in a bit and shines the torch at the 1st passenger in the back , "i'm eamon murphy sir had a few off home to mums with me brothers" lastly he shines the torch at the pig and asks it it's name the pig goes " OINK " , right on your way says the copper and they drive off.
    the copper walks back to his squad car shaking his head , HIS partner asks him whats up .... he replies " my god he's an awful looking pig that oink murphy"

  14. Default

    [QUOTE=72bus;1645516]
    Originally Posted by 72bus
    3 brothers in ireland driving home from the pub one night
    they turn a corner and see a pig in the road ," quick" says the driver to his brothers " grab that pig we'll have him for our farm"
    a mile or so on they come across a police road block , "stick yer hat and coat on the pig" says the driver
    a copper gets out strolls over to the lads motor and shines his torch into the car
    " whats your name "he asks the driver,"
    where u been and where are u going now "
    he replies...... michael murphy sir been playing darts with me brothers in the kings head , only been on soft drinks and on me way home to me mothers
    he shines the torch at the fella sitting next to micheal he replies his name is joseph and he's been pub now off home to his mothers
    the copper then leans in a bit and shines the torch at the 1st passenger in the back , "i'm eamon murphy sir had a few off home to mums with me brothers" lastly he shines the torch at the pig and asks it it's name the pig goes " OINK " , right on your way says the copper and they drive off.
    the copper walks back to his squad car shaking his head , HIS partner asks him whats up .... he replies " my god he's an awful looking pig that oink murphy"
    Son- dad why's my sister called Rose?

    Dad- well son that's because your mum loves roses.

    Son- Oh OK thanks dad.

    Dad- no problem bj
    I played sunday league football today.

    Clearly I was the best player on the pitch.

    I scored 5 and made 7 last ditch tackles.

    We lost 5-0 but the rest of my team were sh it!

  15. #240

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    Paddys wife hears a knock at the door. When she opens it a policeman is standing there.
    "Sorry Mrs O'Reiley, there was an awful accident at the distillery today, where your husband worked. He fell into a vat of whiskey and drowned"
    "Sweet Jesus" she cried "Please god it was a relatively quick death"
    "By all accounts it took quite a while" said the policeman.
    "He got out at least twice for a pi ss"
    He'll regret it till his dying day, if ever he lives that long

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