Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 40

Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #1

    Default Joke of the day

    Think we had a best joke thread on here a while ago but I couldn't find it.
    Surely worth re-booting as a joke of the day thread ?
    I'll start :
    I wasn't very close to my Dad before he died, which was lucky given he stood on a land mine.

    That was nicked from this years Edinburgh fringe but isn't every joke pinched from someone ?
    Hopefully others out there can add a gut buster or two, in the meantime I'll try and add a joke a day.
    He'll regret it till his dying day, if ever he lives that long

  2. #2

    Default

    Paddy and Murphy are off on holiday. Soon after the plane takes off it starts shuddering, nose dives then stabilises again.
    The captain then makes an announcement.
    "Ladies and gentlemen, you may have noticed something untoward happening a few seconds ago. Basically, we had a fire in number one engine and had to close it down. Please don't worry though, we can fly perfectly well on the two remaining engines but due to a loss in power our flight time will be an additional two hours.
    A bit later the plane does exactly the same thing. On comes the captain again.
    "Ladies and gentlemen, due to a fire in number two engine we've had to close down that one down too.
    Please don't panic though, the plane can safely fly on one engine but due to the loss in power our flight time will be extended by 4 hours. .
    Paddy turns to Murphy and says "####ing hell Murphy, if they have to close number three engine down we'll be up here all day"
    He'll regret it till his dying day, if ever he lives that long

  3. #3

    Default

    Bloke walks into a pub and sits down at the bar. He soon notices the fella next to him has a dog with him.
    "Does your dog bite mate" he asks. "Not at all" says the other fella.
    The bloke reaches down to stroke the dog and straight away it sinks its teeth into his hand.
    "Fu€king hell mate, I thought you said your dog didn't bite !"
    "It doesn't" says the other fella, "it's my mates dog, he's in the toilet"
    He'll regret it till his dying day, if ever he lives that long

  4. #4

    Default

    did you hear about the gay whale ..... spent his days swimming around the ocean , biting the ends off submarines and sucking out all the seamen

  5. #5

    Default

    Lad goes into a chemist and asks for a box of condoms.
    As the assistant is serving him she asks "would you like a bag with those"
    He replies "I'm ok thanks, she's not that ugly"
    He'll regret it till his dying day, if ever he lives that long

  6. #6

    Default

    i saw some crisps walking down the street yesterday i asked them " would u like a lift " no they said we're walkers

  7. #7

    Default

    Good lols ,il try clean me vile repertoire up and post a lol.
    "The kids missed everything from Queens Park Rangers to Conkers".

    London Pride has been handed down to us.
    London Pride is a flower that's free.
    London Pride means our own dear town to us,
    And our pride it for ever will be.

  8. #8

    Default

    I was on my way home last night when I saw my neighbour, whose a midget, waiting at a bus stop.
    I told him to jump in and I'd drop him off but he told me to fu€k off.
    "You ungrateful little €unt" I muttered to myself as I zipped up my back pack and carried on walking.
    He'll regret it till his dying day, if ever he lives that long

  9. #9

    Default

    I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

    I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

    I asked my mate what it was like living in North Korea. He said I can't complain.
    Last edited by Hubble; 27-08-2017 at 10:39 PM.

  10. #10

    Default

    Think this is a Les Dawson one,

    The wife and me have been together for over 30 years now and only ever had one argument.
    It started the day we got married and hasn't finished yet.
    He'll regret it till his dying day, if ever he lives that long

  11. #11

    Default

    Why have only 50% of scousers had a shower within the last 3 years.
    The other 50% weren't in prison during that time.
    He'll regret it till his dying day, if ever he lives that long

  12. #12

    Default

    my irish mate called me told me he was dumping his new bird . she was showering and he had a peek in her wardrobe , he said i found a skimpy waitess dress , a nurses uniform , a police womans outfit , so what i said . he said " if she can't hold down a job she's no use to me "

  13. #13

    Default

    Two blokes who haven't seen each other for a while bump into each other one day.
    One tells the other he doesn't look too well.
    "I'm not mate, I had most of my spine and both testi€les removed recently. It's not all bad though, some of the wedding presents were great"
    He'll regret it till his dying day, if ever he lives that long

  14. #14

    Default

    Two mates having a beer one evening in their local.
    One says to the other "so how was the holiday to Canada ?"
    The other one says "great, but it got a bit hairy when me and the Mrs went for a walk in some woods. Two bleedin great bears appeared from nowhere and charged straight at us. I had a gun with me as a precaution but it only had one bullet in it"
    "Sh!t, what did you do ?" asked his mate.
    "I shot the mrs in the kneecap and ran like fu€k"
    He'll regret it till his dying day, if ever he lives that long

  15. Default

    What do you do if you come across a lion in the jungle?

    Say sorry and wipe it off...

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •